ikea, etc.

today was a watermark day. i visited an ikea store for the first time.

it is the single most useful and, at once, humorous place i've ever visited. period. if you're not comparing mirrors shoulder to shoulder with a very attractive member of the fairer gender you're jockeying for position with the soccer mom surrounded by a hurricane of at least a dozen children all trying to get to the sweedish meatballs. very rarely, in fact, have i ever found myself perusing bedframes and sheet sets shortly before eating very acceptable lingenberry meat sauce - the catch is that this happened under the same roof with no more than 15 minutes twixt each activity.

so even though i've only been there once i have compiled a short list designed to help you survive, if not enjoy, one of the world's highest grossing shopping experiences:

1) know your goal.
and even if you don't know your goal, make one up. i had the vaguest of ideas of what i was looking for today and i still suffered through for nearly four hours (including the time it took to inhale 15 sweedish meatballs and a chicken caesar salad). knowing that you need, for example, a lamp is not nearly enough. having an earmarked catalogue in your hand for reference is key. bonus points if you found the lamp on the website before hand, knew you wanted it, knew its price and just needed to pick it up in person.

2) ignore the soccer moms.
because it just doesn't do anybody any good when conflict arises.

3) use the blue map handouts and the big yellow bag.
before diving headlong into the throbbing masses, look at that blue map of the first and second floors (the showroom and the warehouse, respectively). look for the ninja shortcuts and be aware of them at all times. just like a spy, know your exits.
also, the big yellow bag is a nice addition. if you use it without it's special walker/cart attachment and sling it over your shoulder not unlike your new messenger bag, it makes you look like an experienced ikeaite: you can use it, when full, to smash the happy gawking folks off the last poäng chair. also, you just may impress the fairer gender by looking rather spartan by knowing what you're doing. however...

4) ignore the fairer gender.
you'll only be distracted from the goals that you had, hopefully, set out for in the first place. this is the bane of your ikea experience. it will be rare that they will not have what you're looking for. it will be rare that you will have to wait in line for soviet lengths of time for it. it is rare that you will have to pay exorbitant amounts of money for particle board and confusing assembly instructions. it is not rare, however, that you will run across a person whom you find incredibly attractive. eyes on the displays only. for the love of god.

so, here's hoping that helps somebody. surely there are more points to be touched on but i lack the experience necessary to note them. today i spent under $60 and walked out of the store with things ranging from the dokument to the glimma to the limmaren to the grönö and everything in between. nice!


-e